


In Which John Enumerates

by thequeergiraffe



Series: The Spaces In-between [26]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Multi, a touch of angst, silliness, spoilers for the entire series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-26
Updated: 2012-04-26
Packaged: 2017-11-04 09:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/392116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequeergiraffe/pseuds/thequeergiraffe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I, John Hamish Watson, at the insistence of my incessant flatmate/colleague/best friend/lover, hereby proclaim everything that follows (of my writing- there's no accounting for Sherlock's) to be as close to absolute truth as I can bloody well make it. Satisfied? [Hardly. SH]</p><p>Now, without further ado, a full and detailed account of every person I've considered a "lover" in my entire lifetime. I'd sigh "how tedious" but I'm pretty sure that's your job, love. [Your wit continues to astound. SH]<br/>----------<br/>(Can be read as a standalone, although minor references are made to the rest of the series/my headcanon.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which John Enumerates

I, John Hamish Watson, at the insistence of my incessant flatmate/colleague/best friend/lover, hereby proclaim everything that follows (of  _my_ writing- there's no accounting for Sherlock's) to be as close to absolute truth as I can bloody well make it. Satisfied? [ _Hardly. SH_ ]

Now, without further ado, a full and detailed account of every person I've considered a "lover" in my entire lifetime. I'd sigh "how tedious" but I'm pretty sure that's your job, love. [ _Your wit continues to astound. SH_ ]

-Annabelle Perkins, aged 16. I was 17 at the time. Annie was blonde then (she's brunette now, saw her on facebook) and really, really fit. I couldn't believe she fancied me but then again the military hadn't got hold of me yet so I wasn't half as cocky. I remember really working Annie up to the task because I was a virgin and she wasn't, which bothered me. Let's see…we were in my dad's hideous gunmetal grey Ford Anglia. Backseat. I think it lasted all of four minutes. Probably the most rubbish sex I had in my entire life, but I was pretty thrilled about it afterwards. I think we dated for another few months after that but not seriously, and then Annie dumped me for some bloke in the city and next I heard she was sidled up with two kids and that was that. [ _You managed to leave out almost all the pertinent details, of course, and yet I still find this account oddly fascinating. SH_ ]

-Molly Wiggins, aged 20. I was 19 at the time. Pre-med, both of us. Molly really liked Indian food and crap telly, but she wasn't terribly keen on sex. We dated for four years (I was reasonably sure we'd get married, at the time) but we were a year in before we ever made love. It was much, much nicer than it was with Annie, probably because I actually loved Molly (being fair to myself, I  _thought_  I loved Annie…teenagers don't really know any better about these things, most of time) but maybe also because we waited so long. Molly was a bit strict about things like positions and what types of sex were okay and whether or not the light was meant to be, but I cared about her so I went with it. We broke up mutually once we went away to separate med schools. Things had gotten sort of rote at that point anyway and neither of us much fancied the idea of a long distance deal, so…there you go. [ _Interesting display of sentiment. "Made love", etc. I would be curious about what changed your mind on marriage, but the answer seems obvious. Molly was both dull and domineering, and while I think you can easily deal with one of the factors, I don't imagine you would find both acceptable for long. SH_ ]

-Reeta James, aged 25. I was 23 at the time. Reeta was…wild. She was the first girl I dated that I actually worried would cheat on me, and the first girl I dated that actually  _did_ cheat on me. Considering I was at med school at the time, it was a little hard to keep up with her but she was knock-out gorgeous, curves that had to be seen to be believed and so on (I could go on, Sherlock, I really could, but I'm so considerate that I won't even think of it), so I really did try. Sex with Reeta made me wonder if I'd maybe been doing it wrong all the other times. She taught me a lot of the little tricks all my future girlfriends appreciated, but in the end we weren't together very long (six months, maybe?) because, as I said, she was something of a cheater. [ _Have you ever used any of Reeta's tricks on me? SH_ ] [Most of them don't translate well, dear, considering anatomy, but yes. A few.] [ _I require you to show me which tricks, precisely. Now. SH_ ]

-(Right, back to it then.) Emily Thompson, aged 24. I was also 24 at the time. Both of us were med students, surgery focus. Em wanted to work in an A&E trauma unit; I was still picturing a private practice, doing non-emergency surgeries and living a quiet country life. Em and I were together right until the day I went to the recruiter's office and joined up. Unsurprisingly, since we'd been bickering about it since I'd gotten the idea, she broke up with me the minute I told her I'd done it. As far as the sex goes, it was good. A bit vanilla after my stint with Reeta, but nice because I trusted Em and I knew I'd never tear off her clothes and find some other man's love bites all over her hips. [ _I presume that exact scenario played out with Reeta. SH_ ] [You presume correctly.] [ _How did you react? SH_ ] [I shouted abuse at her a half hour and then we had mad, frenzied sex on the kitchen floor. So about how you'd expect.] [ _John, you continue to amaze me. SH_ ]

Now, here you'll notice a gap in my account. I was in the military from the time I was 25 to the time I was 38, and in that time I never had what you'd call a steady girlfriend. Lots of one night stands, sure, while I was on leave or stationed at a base that wasn't in a warzone (and even then, sometimes, if I could get it), but no girlfriends. I don't count one night stands as "lovers". I count them as "shags". If you want me to list all my shags, too bad. I can tell you that my exact number is fifty-seven, that I remember almost all of their names, and that you're the only bloke on the list. Beyond that, the details get fuzzy. [ _Fair enough. I may have you draw up a list of all the names you can recall at some point, but for now you get a reprieve. SH_ ]

-Sarah Sawyer, aged 36. I was 39 at the time. I am absolutely not telling you any details about what sex was like with Sarah, Sherlock. You know her. That is more than a little not on. No. [ _Aren't we meant to be sharing? I thought that's what normal people do, share all the sordid details of their love lives with their partners. SH_ ] [We're not normal people, we're us. And don't call us "partners". It sounds weird.] [ _Fine. Then I guess I'm not going to get details about the next several women either, am I? SH_ ] [Definitely not.]

-Darla Pearson, aged 34. I was 39 at the time. I think you once referred to her as "the one with the spots", if I'm not mistaken. [ _You know you're not. And she was rather spotty. SH_ ]

-Angela Townsend, aged 38. I was 39 at the time. You took a certain joy in asking her how she managed to break her nose on five separate occasions. [ _Oh, I loathed this one. She smelled strange, like citrus and dog urine. SH_ ]

-Jeanette Mayweather, aged 35. I was 40 at the time. I think she was the first girlfriend to actually, outwardly accuse me of being in love with you. Perceptive girl, that. [ _She wasn't being perceptive, John, you were just being obvious. SH_ ] [Oh, is that why you looked like that when I kissed you that first time?] [ _Are we counting first time for real or first time for a case? Because our first technical kiss was for a case, incited by me, and left you rather breathless as I recall. SH_ ] [Arrogant sod.]

-Sherlock Holmes, aged 37. I was 41 at the time. Don't know what drew me, considering what an enormous prat he was, but there you have it. I seem to remember working towards sex for a  _long_ time with this one. Every time I was ready, he wasn't. Every time he was ready, I wasn't. Mixed signals, stupid tiffs. Eventually we managed, but then the silly bugger had to go and die. [ _Scathing. My heart hurts, John. SH_ ]

-Mary Morstan, aged 39. I was 43 at the time. I'm going to be deadly serious for a moment and say that Mary was my wife, that I loved her, and that I respect her too much to divulge anything more of our relationship than what you already know. I know you didn't know her very well, Sherlock, but Mary was good to me while you were gone and sometimes she was the only reason I kept it together as well as I did. So please, leave it at that. [ _Fine. "Leave well enough alone" and all that. Very well. SH_ ]

-Sherlock Holmes, aged 41. I was 45 at the time. I distinctly recall this curly-headed sop coming back from the dead and putting me in quite the predicament. That was an…interesting year. I wanted you so badly, Sherlock, it hurt sometimes. You were the only person I ever considering cheating with, love, and you can't deny you intentionally tried to tempt me more than once. But I think it was well worth the wait. [ _Of course I tried to tempt you. I spent three years on the Continent and beyond and came home desperate for a shower and shag only to find my flat disused and my shagging partner hitched. But yes, I agree; well worth the wait. I would have waited much longer, of course. For the rest of my life, if you'd forced me. SH_ ] [I could never be so cruel.] [ _No, I don't think you could. I'm glad you didn't. SH_ ] [Me, too.]

And so the list ends, though one never knows what the future might hold. [ _I think in this case one certainly does. SH_ ] [My only hopes for the future involve jammie dodgers, a cup of hot tea, and at some point this evening you, in significantly less clothing. Beyond that, I'm mystified.] [ _You're always mystified, John, but in this case I can assure I have the future well in hand. We're going to solve cases until we're both too old to be of any use, and then we're going to retire to Sussex where I will do something that isn't mundane (I haven't decided yet, but my principle considerations are experiments involving quantum mechanics or keeping bees) and you will either take patients or sit back and watch me be amazing. No more names on this list, and no arguments to the contrary. Now, I think you mentioned something about tea. SH_ ] [Yes, dear.]

 


End file.
